An introduction to self love.

An introduction to self love.

Growing up in a Catholic household with a private security guard as your father and a mother who would have sent you to a nunnery if she had the chance, sex was a pretty unspoken topic. Sure I knew the mechanics of it, how it worked and what went where (Thanks Miss Kirk, year 5 sex ed) but the one thing it always seemed to be about, was dick. And a lot of it. Guys had orgasms and girls had periods. That’s where it stopped and heaven forbid you ask a question in front of everyone. Public humiliation? Anyone? Right. Didn’t think so.

I was 17 when my now husband took my virginity in a hotel room and everything I heard about sex was proven wrong. From the X rated gloating of pre-pubescent boys bragging about the chick they fingered at some house party to ‘that girl’ who they swear solid had sucked off every guy in senior high all the way to those romantic movies you watch with your friends at sleepovers. The Earth didn’t move, there were no bells ringing or stars and fireworks. It wasn’t earth shattering (sorry honey). Truthfully? It was borderline painful (hello it’s 9 inches...yes, I have measured) and I honestly don’t think it was anything special. Afterwards I just laid there, while he snored his head off and I was thinking ‘Is this really it?’.

We both went our separate ways for a while after I turned 19, it happens to the best of us. I then proceeded to do that ‘independant woman finding herself’ thing. Became career focused, worked out twice a day. Bought my own house. I travelled a bit. I went through a dry spell. Depressed of course, heart-broken and just really upset. There was wine, chocolate and too many blackout nights to count. It happened one night at my best friend’s house when she asked me ‘How long since you’ve had sex?’. My answer floored her. After collecting herself and establishing that I was not joking, she drove me to an adult store and she bought me my first vibrator. Bless you babe, I will never forget it. This small token of friendship still brings a smile to my face today. She basically walked in, said ‘she needs a replacement dick, break up material’ and the woman nodded knowingly, put it in a bag and off we went.

I’ll spare you the details but let’s just say that along with my certified strong, independent woman status, I was happily satisfied in the bedroom. Learning what did it for me, figuring out what I liked and didn’t like gave me this ridiculous sense of confidence that somehow seemed to draw men out of the crowd. I can’t remember how many men I have slept with, all I know is that I never struggled to find one on a night out. It gave me the confidence to take charge in the bedroom and be more vocal about what I wanted, how I wanted it and to also be confident enough to take the lead behind closed doors. I never felt embarrassed about walking into a sex shop after this and often I would be the one who my friends turned to for advice or for help. I became the ‘hoe’ friend. Seriously.

I realised that had it not been for my beautiful friend, I would not have become the strong and carefree, sexually confident woman I am now. This led to me thinking ‘what about the other women who are in that same position?’. I had no idea what I wanted out of a vibrator. I didn’t even know what I liked or how I best wanted to be pleased. I didn’t know what kind of toys I wanted to play with or where to even start. I didn’t know, at the time, that I was bisexual either.

So I decided to call in some sex-perts to help out women who were like me, to compile 5 pieces of advice to help women who have zero idea what to look for in a sex toy, who are a little too embarrassed to ask or who simply don’t know what they want. I approached the manager of my local adult store and simply asked ‘what is your best selling sex toy for women’. This is what I came up with.

1. What gets you off? Are you an external or internal woman? Do you need clitoral stimulation or is that too much? The manager (let’s call him X) asked me this. I honestly had to think about it for a bit. Depending on ‘what gets you off’ is going to determine the type of vibrator you buy. Simple right? Best piece of advice I can give you? Play with yourself, learn what you like. That’ll point you in the right direction to start with your search. There’s vibrators which simulate oral, ones which are g-spot massagers, ribbed, ones for him to wear...honestly the list is endless. But it really starts with you and what YOU like.

2. Not kidding. Size doesn’t matter with the efficiency of a sex toy. The best vibrator I have ever bought is small enough to fit in my handbag and be hidden in there easily. There’s ones big enough to make some men feel insignificant and also ones which probably render men completely useless. There’s also some incredibly powerful ones which are small enough to be discreet. Really...my small one sets me off in under a minute. Size will help you narrow the list down. Consider it when you are searching for your new addition.

3. Are you going solo or is your partner in on it? I say partner because I’m bisexual and I’ve slept with both. It’s all about equality. Right? And by that I mean, equal pleasure. There are toys for people flying solo and ones for mutual satisfaction. I asked X what the most common thing he was seeing with women these days was and his answer surprised me. Over the years women’s relationships with themselves has evolved. From demure and innocent to more confident and assertive. Women becoming more attune to what they like and they’re not afraid to get it. It’s led to an evolution in sex toys from solo to mutual and has influenced how companies market their products. One of my sex toys has swarovski crystals on it. Do I need to say more? This brings me to my next point…

4. What catches your eye? We are women after all. Bright colours. Designs. What does it feel like in your hand? My vagina is a God-damn temple. You can bet I’m going to splurge and spend up on the prettiest toys to please it. Also because it makes it ‘less intimidating’. How it looks and how it physically feels will influence you. Do you want something hard and simple, colours that don’t stand out? Or are you like me? All about pretty colours and something that almost feels as good as his dick, you know, the real thing? Aesthetics, ladies. Aesthetics.

5. It’s not always about replica penis’. Ever heard of kegel balls? They’ll blow your mind. What started as a pelvic floor strengthening accessory, soon became a much loved sex toy. Different weights and sizes led to some women using them as a way to increase pleasure during foreplay before achieving a mind blowing orgasm. There is plenty of toys out there that women use to achieve pleasure. There’s toys that can be controlled via apps on your phone. It’s never ending. Handcuffs, whips, nipple clamps. Ball gags. The best sex I have ever had involved handcuffs, rope and a whip. Of course, that’s a whole other topic (no I don’t have a fetish before you ask) but these are all things you should consider when you are looking for a toy to satisfy yourself.

A friend of mine who works in Honey Birdette gave me a bit of insight. It’s not always about having an orgasm. Sometimes it’s the build up, the foreplay and the road to get there. There’s magazines, websites and articles galore on the internet these days. All aimed at empowering women to go get theirs. What completely spun me out was when she jumped up and declared she was off to go get the catalogues of sex toys from her suppliers and came back with a literal armful of them dedicated to sex toys for women. All this information is at your fingertips. So go put them to good use…

Happy searching ladies!

xx